ME

• Let me rant.
• It's time for you to know most of my opinions about this stuff.
• Will you just get a hold of yourself from being paranoid?
  • THAT IS A NEVER HELPFUL SIDE OF YOU.
  • It makes things more complicated as it is.
  • It's feeding a fire that was once a lit of a match before.
  • Now it's enraging, conquering over the forest.
  • Yes, a wild fire that you fed.
  • A fire that needs to be banished as fast as possible.
  • If you want to make things right, start it with yourself and not on anybody else.
  • You are the master of your faith, the captain of your ship.
  • You have the control of everything that you have.
  • If something is on a mistake,change it.
  • Use your own abilities.
    • Whenever I see you online (at least) I've always wanted to feel that you're gonna be the first person to pm me and say something.
    • I know, it happened before but I just can't help myself from waiting for you to the first person to pm me.
    • Stop thinking about stuffs that you're bugging me and shit.
    • No you're not.
    • If you are bugging me, would I even dare show myself to you today?
    • Would I even care to reply on your messages?
    • Would I even care replying to people asking about how you are or where you are?
    • NO, YOU ARE NOT BUGGING ME.
    • YOU NEVER HAD.
    • I had it on caps so you would understand better.
    • Don't think yourself to be a low-quality-bullshit (that I used to refer)
    • You said this before, we are both professionals.
    • So why think that you're in a low class or something?
    • Do you really underestimate your abilities and your capabilities?
    • If so, then I saw you the wrong way.
    • Who are you? Nicole Ingrid Berse Hibionada?
    • I doubt so, the 'Nicole' I knew was a girl who is so tough and a girl with the ability to surpass everything.
    • If you're trying to get a fool with yourself, then cut the crap.
    • Face reality, the world ain't a game.
    • If you want to live a life of yourself, then do it.
    • Feel free to do anything you want.
      • As long as it helps you enjoy.
      • If you want to smile, then do it for everybody who thinks that you are still on yourself.
      • "YOURSELF" that I knew and I loved.
      • The "yourself" that I needed to be back the most.
      • The person whom I swore my life with.
      • The person whom I swore a life with.
      • The person whom I swore promises and dreams with.
      • Again, you are not bugging me.
      • Stop being paranoid and shit.
      • Just great, damn great.
      • ._.
      • Read.Understand.Reflect
      • Come.Back.To.Me.Feeling.The.Same.Thing.
      • Come.Back.To.Me.Nicole.Ingrid.Berse.Hibionada
        
        
        
        
        
        
        This. 
        
        
        This was what I exactly needed so I could snap back. So I would know where I was and where we stood. I get it now. THAT WAS WHAT I NEEDED - A PUNCH, the kind of punch much more painful than anything else in this world. A HIT IN THE SOUL. Everything typed above HIT ME. For once in my 19 years of existence, I've never been hit like this. I was waiting for tears, 'cause they usually came when i'm drowning with my own sensitivity. But there were none. I was even happy. Happy to see those words typed by my most loved human...that he, did not fear of breaking through me. He risked the 80 % chance that i might break down instead of living on with my life. He knew me. DEEP DOWN. And I din't strongly believe that, UNTIL NOW. The "me" he used to know was sleeping. Sleeping so soundly that only a snap like that could wake it up. PAIN. was a necessity. It was a good one. But there are still questions left unanswered and statements that are to be verified. 
        
        
        I am paranoid, YES. Always been. Always was... And I am friggin' working on that. There were even times I thought I had a disorder XD. and thought that, maybe I should seek help. But it had always been a part of me, there will always be that little of paranoia left within me. It cannot be eradicated for it would not be "me" anymore. The fear of losing is what I fear the most . I CANNOT LOOSE. I say to myself , but then again, in reality, we gain, we loose. And I am on the process of re-orienting myself again and again with reality 'coz I have a good tendency to easily get lost within myself. But then again, I AM FUCKIN' WORKIN ON THIS SHIT. One thing I am sure of though, this paranoia is NOT EATING ME. 
        
        
        Next, I am down-to-earth. Very much down-to-earth in fact, that sometimes it goes way too much that things go haywire. And uhh, just to clarify things, the "low-class-thing" and "down-to-earth-stuff" are way way too different from each other . Inferiority and down-to-earth can be closely compared to each other rather than that. Just to ease you up, I never thought of myself as low-class. Call it pride, but never in my life that I called myself a low-class kind. I've always told myself, "yer a GAWDAYUM FRIGGIN' WARRIOR HUNEY, IT'S TOO EARLY TO GIVE UP." I just love to be with people because that's simply my nature. Not that I wanna socialize or sum sort or flirt? Hell no. I just have this friendly nature and you know that. So off with that topic. 
        
        
        Thirdly, and the most grand...Who is Nicole Ingrid Berse Hibionada? 
        
        
        She is sensitive and insensitive at the same time. She is patient and hot-tempered. She is smart and dumb. She is full of life and cold. She is a little bit of everything on her own and a bit of everything people believed her to be. She is a dead and living paradox. She was the sweet, innocent girl who used to lie down with you on the grasslands to watch the stars in the sky...romantic, wise, and dreamy. But she is also the same girl who snaps easily, says foul words and curses when hate comes in. She is delicate and dangerous at the same time. She is easily swayed by her emotions that she easily gets lost in them. Everyday, she ponders on who she really is...and everyday, she learns. She reflects. Processes. Everyday, she is figuring out how to fit those appropriate pieces on her giant jigsaw puzzle of life. Sometimes she's lucky, but at times, she's not.  She is someone who listens very well and gives really helpful advises to someone in need. But she always had trouble fixing problems of her own. When she is troubled, her relationships may or may not be affected. it used to be not, until now. Maybe because this is already an intimate kind of relationship. And whether we like it or not, we change. It may be unnoticeable for you, and it is not always good. But as for me, I am trying damn hard to be who I am. To be the beautifully flawed "ME" I used to be. Not just for you, Kaname, but for everyone who cares for me as well. But you will always be special. The one whom I entrusted myself with. The one whom I swore my life with. The one whom I swore promises and dreams with. The one who owns the heart beating only for me. The one I'd live and die for. The one I'd share my eternity with , if ever it was real. The one I call, MY LIFE.
        
        
        So I took a step back and friggin' looked at myself. I am human. I am beautiful. I am so beautiful. And I can be anything. I don't hate as much as possible. I am not concerning myself with things I cannot control. I will cry when I need to, but let go when it's time. I won't hang to painful memories just because I'm afraid to forget. I let go of the things in the past. I will forget things that aren't worth remembering. I will never take things for granted. I will never take life for granted. I live for something. I live not just for myself, but for someone else out there I'm going to marry  and grow old with someday. I am in love and i will never fall out of love. I will do this over and over again until I will know and understand what it really is to love someone. I will question things. I will tell people how I really feel. I will sleep under the stars. Create. Imagine. Inspire. Share something wonderful. Make something beautiful. Meet new people. Make your day. Follow our dreams. Live my life to it's fullest potential. I swear I'd just live dammit. I will let go of all the horrible things in my life and just fudgin' LIVE. And one day, when I am old, I'd look back with no regrets. 
        
        
        I OWE YOU FOREVER MY KANAME.
        
        
        I love you and I will come back to your arms not changing even a teeny tiny bit of feeling I once had for you. I will always and always be in love with you. YOU and you alone. 
        
        
        -Nicole Ingrid Berse Hibionada 
         (your yuuki, star, masterpiece, countess, fiancee') 
        
        

        

        I WILL BE BACK. Don't die out. Wait for me. 

        C' ya. 

SICK.

Dear blog,

         I'm currently having the feeling of being perfectly misunderstood. I hate the feeling of tears building up on my eyes...but I prefer it better than spitting out these hurtful words I've been keeping inside myself for years...I just don't get the fact why people can't give that kind of understanding as if they've never been their teenage years. A little bit of listening and understanding is all I ask, but our edges just doesn't seem to meet. This is my first time being in a relationship, yes. But that doesn't mean they have the right to pry on my lovelife forever. I've changed yes, but I believe this is a good change , and they don't see that. They fail to see it because they have always been busy looking at my flaws year after year. I know I'm not perfect and I'm not who they want me to be, but they don't have to slap me with that friggin' reality I am very much aware of. Who I am now is who I chose to be and I DON'T REGRET THAT. I am growing up, and I am learning. A kind of learning you can only find within yourself. A part of building your identity. A part of embracing and nurturing your you-ness. 

             I am upset with the fact that rumors always contained me and my boyfriend. My boyfriend whose never done anything wrong with them. My boyfriend whose 2 years younger than me but thinks way ahead of me. They just don't leave us be. I know they care about us but it's just that, it's going way too far. They are disappointing me BIG TIME. I always thought I could trust them more than anyone else but too bad, I guess I was just wishing way too far. It's just me and me after all ...and God up there. WE are responsible and we know our limitations well. They just DON'T TRUST US "YET"- I'm not even sure if they ever will. All we could do now is show our best and prove ourselves...and it's their turn to decide...but know whut? F**** what they think. Imma live my life the way I dream it to be, not a life they dream to be for me. I am gunna succeed and get out of this hellhole coz I am sick. Getting fed up with issues that doesn't even exist. Exaggerated stories that's not gunna take anyone anywhere. Well, I guess these guys are entertained with my downfalls-- too bad, i can't give them what they want. I'm a free B**** and I'm friggin' independent emotionally. So they need not to f*** up with me. I know what I'm doing. Believe me, I know. 

Dear God,

I know you are already aware of what's going on in my mind before I even type these words in front of me. I know you are listening/reading this , or my mind at the moment. I just couldn't keep my mind at ease since that day... that day that I was lost and made a stuff that I would've have waited for. I have wronged you Oh Lord...and I know I have apologized many times now but I just can't find it enough...enough to make it up to you...because I asked for a chance and promised you something..but still, I ended up being so weak and resulted me to repeat the same friggin' mistake T^T .  And for this , I am very very and sincerely sorry . I hope you would give me at least the last chance to prove my worth Oh Lord Jesus. The worth to be able to serve you again , to be a part of your vineyard of Holyness. Please Oh God...Please...I beg of your mercy...please guide me to be back to your light, to your guidance..Lead me with your wisdom...and lend me some of your strength to resist the evil...I hope you would consider it at least this time, for the last time Oh Lord...and I owe you my life and forever....Amen.  

2nd EPIC month

I COULD STARE AT THIS PERSON ALL DAY LONG . 

Happy 2nd month, my Kaname <3 :* 

I love you and I will keep on doing so :)

-Yuuki

an old photo XD

REDEMPTION

I just had to make a rush to post (I had to go for Mum is screamin' at me like crazy) even if I know you could kill me if I was in front of you at the moment. I feel like I have made one of the greatest mortal sins my entire life that currently puts your life in jeopardy . I don't know how i could ever face you again , I won't even give a damn of redeeming myself because it was my fault in the first place. But still, I deeply, sincerely apologize for hiding things from you. Things that should concern you and might be acted upon if I did not fail to tell you about the issue at hand...and now that things have gone nuts, I don't know what to do. I have been a freakin' weak coward who can't bear to see your smile fade away and your mood suddenly shift to what you were before. I just can bear to see you mad or having that straight face standing / sitting there profoundly silent ...buried deep in your thoughts with tightly clenched fists (which I bet is most probably what you are doing now). Every time I thought of telling you about it, I thought of those things you told me before - of not worrying, that you're gunna' be okay, and most of all, that you didn't wanna hear his name when possible. When I thought on the other side of the picture, when he said he's gunna take revenge via net, I took it as the lesser evil...that at least, they are not physically threatening to you, that violence is not a very must..and so , I decided to keep it to myself..Later did I realize that the role I play is crucial ... and now, I regret every single day I lived with that mistake. I am not perfect. I easily get hurt/dissapointed. I easily blame myself. I am vulnerable . That is a side of of me you should know...and I am so sorry for it is because of me, that your life is in knots right now. :(  I love you.

June 26, 2011

Yes. Our first month and I can't believe I've posted this LIKE.... THIS LATE XD . Things have been crazy and everyday seemed like a rush...midterms was HELL as always and i have been lurking somewhere else ...either i'm doing tiresome school stuff, with HIM , on the drummannia /DDR or on tumblr doing my usual online spazzing at the world *O* i made another private blog thar ---> (tumblr diary) but no, that doesn't mean I'm abandoning blogspot ...My most privatest of my inner thoughts will always dwell here. One thing I love about here is that you don't get tempted with follows and reblogs..it's just writing/spilling out your own thoughts. Letting the mind wander and the heart take its place. And so, I am making it up to you my baby blogspot <3 :)) 

I editted a few pics for us ^^ : 

yes, he definitely DOES :)) 

we look like twins upside down ei ?? ^^ 

PICTURES SAYS IT ALL :)) we both love pictures ...and more will be coming soon ....for the next months and hopefully years, to come :D 


HAPPY 1ST MONTH TO US, my Kaname . 

I LOVE YOU.

REBIRTH. May 26, 2011 5:43 PM

HI BLOG. 
it's been a really really long while since I updated you with life happenings. . .You have missed a LOT and it feels like it's gonna take us years before I'd be able to make it up to you >.< ..and i am so sorry for that . . .The best thing I can do now is to hook you up with the present.....so....uhh.. before anything else...one stupid question ..."How're you?" 


Anyho, the real date as of the moment is the 6th of June and it is 9:55 pm here on my comp clock. The date and time above indicates my real rebirth. The day I accepted him was the day I had a life. 


..and yes, you heard me right .. HIM. 


Well uhh, this post is actually for that big "him" above . He is responsible for thy reincarnation from my long hiatus. He gave me my life back. . .and so, he deserves to be here. . .


And since school's gonna be on the move ...and just in case we might not be physically with each other for quite a long while, I think he should read this shizz below:


Everdearest Kaname, 


                So you are prolly resting or you might be online... waiting for me on ym while I type on my freakishly dusty keyboard to bring this hibernated private blog back to life. . .I hope you didn't skip your dinner today . . . I wasn't able to check on you hours before coz i wasn't able to load my arse up and I swore to myself not to be online on ym for the meantime until i finish this post raiit here. . .(can't be multi-tasking today ..my neurons are getting rusty >D )...and I am so so sorry for that . . .I want to let you know that this letter is just one of those petty reasons why you should hold on . . .and this is not the last one you'd be getting from me , I assure you that .
                  It's raining today...and the only thing that's running through my mind right now as I type these words is your body very close to mine and one of your hands fitting perfectly to the space between my fingers..and the other on my back/hip..holding me tight... your heartbeat fast and the air you exhale as warm as your skin...feverish. Comfortably feverish...Your hair light brown as illuminated by a yellow light and your voice ...your voice that soothes me when the world feels like it's going against me...the way you talk and sing to me like no other ...the way you hug me real tight that I wouldn't care much if I was still breathing ...and your kisses...kisses that were never empty - they were always filled with love  .I am always gonna miss every single little thing about you every passing day. It's a like struggling for survival when you are much aware that you are a fully functioning capable individual. But one thing's for sure, I am never gonna die out on you. You just lit an eternal part of my being . . .there's no going back . . .
                    Look inside you. . .and you'll feel me . . I am never gone , like you here beside me . Like those two stars we see on the stark black sky. . .coz no matter where we are, we are still looking up on the same sky. . .your warm hands cupped on my face like I'm the only thing you wanna look at forever and you'll never get used to it. It's damn priceless. When I feel like crying , i look at you , and I see hope ..that kind of hope that never fades away...We are people, we have feelings...and that's what makes us special. 


Stay human, stay you. You are beautiful...and I know you know that... 


P.S. be good. don't skip meals. keep calm and kill zombies when the world's goin' kureaazeh.


*pinches nose 




I LOVE YOU and I TRUST YOU. . .and I ALWAYS WILL.




Forever Yours,
 Yuuki/ Nicole / Masterpiece / fiancee'